My 2018 Word!

I am a list maker! Lists make my anxiety-ridden brain just calm the freak down, so naturally, for New Year Resolutions..... you got it, I make a big fat list.

Somehow it took me 26 years of my life to figure out that doesn't work for me. I get to the end of the year and realize I can't even find my list let alone remember what was on it. So I was determined to make 2018 different. I was hesitant to become one of those, "choose a word for the year" people because it looked like a corny/trendy thing to do, but after a heart-felt prayer about how to tackle my new year goals I felt STRONGLY to choose one word for the year and the word should be, "Develop."

Develop?

I think God really enjoys confusing me and waiting to see what I will do. Lucky for Him, I am determined to figure Him out so I went with it. Pretty quickly I realized that "Develop" was the perfect word for me. I was supposed to develop into a better version of Jessica and the way I was supposed to do that was to focus on my talents and put myself in UNCOMFORTABLE situations and USE THEM in order to Develop them! I was pretty excited at the beginning of the year about getting started, but let me tell you... it was definitely uncomfortable!

The first thing I did was learned the accompaniment to the youth theme song for our church on the piano for the year. The song was called, "Peace in Christ." As I started to practice it at the very end of 2017, I started to mentally give up. I had never ever learned an accompaniment piece before, let alone played the piano for people to sing to (minus a few random hymns in church and seminary) and Satan jumped at the chance to fill my brain with ALL SORTS of doubts. Stupid thoughts like, "there is a mp3 version and you can just press play, why are you going to all this trouble" or "you are never going to get this right" "you will be too nervous to even play it anyway" he even had the gall to give me the thought "you are ignoring your kids just to learn a song someone else can play better"

Oooohhhh he is goooooooood, that Satan.

I was pathetically stumbling through the piece on my piano at home while all those thoughts were swirling around in my head. That last thought just struck a chord and with tears of frustration in my eyes I stopped playing and closed my eyes for a prayer. In desperation I told Heavenly Father that I just wanted to learn this song. PLEASE help me learn this song! After only a moment, peace filled my body as I was assured that alllll of those nasty thoughts were from Satan and I could do it if I kept working at it! I looked up and immediately commenced with the plunking and missing notes.

After about 3 weeks, I had it. I had it MEMORIZED even. I was so excited to play it for the young women to practice for our upcoming program where they would sing it, but as I sat down to play it for them just in our classroom (mind you, there were only about 12 people in the room.. maybe even less) I found myself in a state of pure nervousness. My heart was pounding, palms sweaty, and my hands were shaking like some sort of tremor was happening in my bones that wouldn't stop!  I made it through but it wasn't pretty.

Throughout the year I had the opportunity to play it multiple times in front of small and large congregations. I think the best part of it though, was that the girls memorized the words. Words that talk about exactly the peace that washed over me when I said my desperate prayer from months earlier. I hope they at least never forget the message of that beautiful song!

I did MANY other uncomfortable things with my talents through the year that I was going to write about, but I feel like this next story sums up what I want the message of this post to be. And it's probalby my favorite experience with this song that I learned.

Early in the year, I went to a Stake Young Women Leaders meeting where all of the leaders from around my area got together to go over the theme for the new year and make sure we were all on the same page. One of the Stake leaders wanted us all to sing the theme song together. She realized she hadn't downloaded the music to her phone and hadn't asked anyone to come prepared to play it on the piano. Most people in the room had never even heard it yet. One of the other leaders offered to quickly pull it up on her phone but of course the internet wasn't working very well in the church building. My heart was pounding because there was a piano in the room and I had the very music she desired to have memorized.... I had never played the song purely from memorization in front of anyone before and had always had the sheet music as back up! After a few moments of internal panic I said, probably very quietly, "I can play it?" The woman looked at me hopeful but said sadly, "I don't have the sheet music though."
I didn't want to, but with some heat in my cheeks I told her I had it memorized. It was a long walk to the piano but I played the song (still shaking) and made it through and sat back down in my chair. (being sure to sit on my hands so no one would see my shaking hands) Everyone seemed a little shocked I just did that and the woman leading the discussion thanked me and the meeting moved on.

But what I learned from that experience was that I was so afraid of my talent! So afraid to share it! Just because I was afraid of making a mistake and feeling nervous and uncomfortable! And after it was all over I was so proud of myself and felt so valuable to that meeting and couldn't wait to be useful again!

It all seems so silly now. I can play that song without shaking and I'm never afraid to offer to play the piano for any occasion and I feel this way with most of my talents now! But what a great word for the year.

Develop.

I truly did develop my talents and myself! The best thing I learned from the whole year and my challenge to whoever reads this is to SEEK OUT situations that might make you feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, or nervous. (note to my husband and other thrill seekers: I did not say dangerous or life-threatening) Those are the situations that will help us grow the most!

The glamorous behind the scenes of practicing my song I found on my phone, taken by Raylee.

I hope you can relate..

I don't know about you guys, but I saw a lot of posts in all things social media that had a picture of babies or kids and the parents writing something like "Christmas is so much better with kids!!!" And something mushy about how much they love them. 

Well, to them I would like to raise a questionable brow and a side-eye... IS IT THOUGH?? 

I love my twins. I love my life and my family and blah, blah, blah, all that! But let me just tell you how Christmas Eve dinner went for me with 16 month old twins.

We were all sitting around the table. Babies strapped in to their chairs and ready to say the prayer. 

The oven beeps and mom has to get the rolls out.

Kids get antsy and NEED FOOD. 

I give them food. 

Prayer begins.

Raylee starts frantically whining for a drink.

I try to quietly distract her while the prayer continues. (Just bless the food!) 

Prayer ends and I get the drink for raylee. 

Wake immediately wants a drink after seeing R got one. 

Get wake a drink. 

Sit to finally dish food. 

About to start eating and babies want more food.

I give them a large variety of food to hopefully satisfy them and eat my food. 

R takes the bait while I eat some.

W eats some and wants down. 

Jordan gets him down and W runs to me crying. 

I pull him on my lap and try to keep eating.

W grabs at all my food and silverware and starts to distribute it to the floor. 

Wrestle with W and take bites when I can. 

R wants down. 

Get R down while making sure W doesn't fall. 

Both are crying now. 

I try to give them drinks again. 

No success. 

Grandma takes W and I take R.

I begin shoving bites in my face to just get done eating. 

R throws things on floor. 

Jordan finishes eating and takes R. 

W cries so I take him. 

ETC! I don't even remember the rest really. 

And that was JUST dinner! I didn't listen to the prayer, have a good conversation, or even really enjoy the food that was so beautifully prepared... Christmas Day was the exact same. Me just trying to squeeze in a few Christmas normalities while I try profusely to keep my kids content. (A battle that is never won). Wake was coming down with a cold, so it was even a little worse than normal. This was not the Christmas I was hoping for, and it wasn't really "better with kids"

I truly love my babies. I love being a mother! But I don't really love having all the responsibilities 100% of the time! It's hard! It's life! I accept it, but I'm just TIRED. I'm only human. 

After we all got home for the night, I put the kids to sleep while Jordan went to drop off some gifts to his friends. I climbed in bed and just reflected on my crazy holiday and how different it was when I was a kid. I was defeated. So tired but not wanting to sleep because I would have to wake up and start the crazy all over. All of the sudden Wake starts crying. With all of the energy I had left I said the most fervent and pleading prayer I have ever said. 

"Heavenly Father... I KNOW you have the power to make him comfortable. I KNOW you can take his cold away, help him breathe, or just ANYTHING that will calm him down. Please, please, please, PLEASE, just help him! I need this.. I have been going all day, just please help him for me" 

I listened to see if it worked... Nope. Now violent screaming. 

I began to just plead some more.. Maybe He didn't think I was serious. 

Then I just decided I was going to let Wake cry it out. But then a prompting from The Spirit came to me. "You have what I cannot give him" 

What? Well maybe he was poopy...I guess no one in heaven could really come down and change him for me. So I reluctantly got up and went to him. He was not poopy.. He immediately quieted down as I laid his head on my shoulder. I sat in the rocking chair with him and tickled his neck to calm him down and started the think about that prompting.. What did I have that Heavenly Father couldn't give him? 

And then it hit me. I am his mother. His earthly mother. We share a unique bond that no one else does. And along with that I am able to hold him and comfort him and connect with him like no one else ever could. 

My heart immediately softened and I held Wake a little bit closer as I cried tears of gratitude and understanding. 

Could Heavenly Father have comforted Wake? Yes, definitely. But instead He taught me how important I am in this whole plan. And reminded me that these days are precious and won't last forever. I am more important than a diaper changer. 

So I am starting the day with a refreshed view of my life, and a lot more love and patience with my babies. I won't have the relaxing days that I so desperately crave and I won't be perfect.. But that's ok. I'm doing very Devine work. 

 I'm writing this down and sharing it because I am sure other moms can relate. Hopefully!? And i want moms everywhere to remember how important they are. Maybe even go thank your mom for dealing with you as a baby! Haha! I do that all the time.. 

Will I be able to survive when Baby #3 arrives in July? Ummmm we'll find out. 

The Wayments Take McCall, ID

Jordan has been known to make friends fast, and close ones too. It's a talent I definitely don't possess and I am constantly in awe watching him easily converse with anyone around him! 

Anyway, this time his friend making skills got us a sweet trip to McCall, Idaho! It's this random little lake town I had no idea about cleeeeeeaaaaaar up the freak in Idaho. The town has a Park City vibe but slightly more po-dunk slash more ritzy. I don't know how that's possible but it pulled it off. 

This was our first family road trip. We have never driven further than 2 hours with the babies in the car.. So I was nervous. With some strategic planning with driving around nap time and YouTube, we made it to Boise for the first night with ease. We stayed with my Uncle Gary and Aunt Beth, who live there, and went to church with them the next day. 

Family snuggle time before church 

Being ever so reverent in church. 

We finally made it to McCall later that day and arrived to one of the nicest lake houses I have ever been to. 

We had our own private dock, hot tub, beach, and the softest bed you ever did touch... Being young and having two kids, we don't get to experience this type of luxury...ever.. So we were kind of wide eyed when they were showing us around, but we were trying to act cool because the family we were with obviously experiences this on the daily. 

The kids LOVE sand and they waisted no time getting it into every little crevice of their bodies. We had to just strip them down. 

Raylee heads straight for the water and just wanted to splash in it. The family we were with (the Gallaghers) loved the babies and played with them all the time! We love their family! 

The next morning it started to sink in what a non-baby-friendly environment we were in... Hard floors, stairs everywhere, railings with gaps bigger than them (who does that??) water, and people who weren't used to having babies around so when the babies cried it was like... Quick run to the other room and shut the door!! Plus the kids didn't sleep well so they had an extra dose of cranky. Luckily there was a little office-like area that we blockaded with a fancy chair that we could let the babies crawl and play to their hearts content. 

I didn't really get much of a break on this vacation because I had to constantly be watching the kids, but the second they went to sleep I could be found in the hot tub :)

We had planned to stay until Thursday, but after a couple days of constant monitoring of the twins and everyone being a little cranky we re-evaluated and decided to go home Tuesday night... I hope bailing early on vacations happens to other young families...

But before we left we had one of the best boating sessions we have ever had with the babies. They didn't fuss about their life jackets at all and loved watching dad! Maybe it's because they knew we were on our family's dream boat (the Nautique G23) 

She was smiling and singing most of the time... She isn't a fan of pictures. 

He loved watching the water! He got tired of standing though and when he sat down it was hilarious! 

After some time on the boat our spirits were a little higher and we were ready to make the treck home! We are actually still driving as we speak... 2:33 a.m. 

Being parents is hard, especially with two little ones, and things hardly ever go as planned. But Jordan and I are learning to be more flexible and be so greatful for the little moments that make life what it is and enjoy those sunrises we had no intention of waking up for... 

Lesson Learned

I have a lot of people asking and wondering what it is like adjusting to my new life with twins. Well let me just clear that up for you...

Have you ever been driving in the fast/passing lane trying to pass a semi truck when you realize the vehicle behind you can't possibly fathom why you are going so slow and consequently tails your car writhin 3 inches or so? And then you panic because you feel bad you are not going fast enough for them and you can't get out of their way because the semi truck is to your other side... So you speed up to a speed that is completely out of your comfort zone in hopes of satisfying the speedster behind you, but of course they are not satisfied so you keep accelerating and then just feel completely out of control and can't wait to get back to a slower lane? Has this happened to you?? 

Well THAT is what life feels like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah there are good times, amazing times even, but I would not mind just pulling over and taking a rest nap for a bit before I fall asleep at the wheel and kill us all!!! (That was dramatic... I apologize) (also, car analogies are over I promise) 

The whole incident on the freeway described above happened to me on my way home tonight. I made the connection with how it relates to how I feel about life and then it sparked deep thoughts about happiness and life. (I really only have time to think while driving in the car, because the babies are strapped to a chair)

Anyway, I distinctly remember the day I came home from 2nd grade and was working on a homework sheet at the bar in the kitchen, when it sunk in that I would be attending at least 14 more years of school. 14 years is an eternity to a 7 year old. I was devastated. It was right then and there that I started longing for the life my mom had. She didn't have to go to school, she was an adult and didn't have rules, she could just play all day with no cares in the world. HA! I truly believed that for years and years! 

Well, I am now somewhat in my mother's shoes, and I have had plenty of moments where I would much rather be a kid in school where my only responsibility was to complete a homework sheet and make sure it got back to the teacher. 

As I was pondering this on my drive home tonight I chuckled a little... Because I realized the lesson Heavenly Father wanted to teach me took about 17 years for me to learn. 

Enjoy life for what it is now! Something hard and challenging will always be going on, but what is important is to find the light where you are standing and stop looking for it somewhere else. 

Easier said than done, but I can give it a go! It's ok that I feel like I am careening down the highway out of control. That's probably what my situation SHOULD feel like. But I don't have to long for the slow lane. Slow lane people have their own problems... Like cars getting on the freeway cutting them off, rouge tires, even slower people, and probably being late... Anyway, I want to share some pictures of a few "light" moments that I happened to capture in my phone.

My man and his look-alike daughter snuggled on the couch. 

The first discovery of glow sticks and the joy that ensued.

That time they drank their bottles together but still wanted to be touching the whole time. 

And again.

My mom took this when she took them for a walk. They always have the biggest smiles for the grandparents! 

When she makes this adorable face..

When he discovers a new object and holds it out away from his body and sings to it with delight. 

I smile at Jordan and my babies daily! I always have millions of things to be thankful for. The grass is green right where I am :) 

 

FIRE!!!

One of Jordan and my favorite things to do on the weekends, or just really any day, is to have a fire. After all, we met at a fire, got engaged at a fire, and we both have a vein of pyro running through us. (We have both burened an assortment of things just because it looks cool in flames!) So tonight we decided to take the twins to their first Wayment fire! It was a tiny fire... But still! 

We were out by our favorite lake and Jordan's parents decided to come with us! It is fun to have grandparents so close to us so they can just come do random things with us and the kids. (Sorry it's blurry)

Our fires usually start with Jordan hacking away at whatever we decide to use as firewood... Tonight it was a box he built for his tools that he decided he didn't want anymore. 

There were mosquitoes out and about so we had to protect the Littles! I used this blanket as shelter..Excuse my crazy hair. 

Wake has ALWAYS been obsessed with lights so it was adorable to watch him be so fascinated at the fire.

It wasn't a very eventful fire, like the ones we have had in the past (igniting couches, entertainment centers, jumping through flames, or playing catch with flaming rags dipped in gasoline), but this fire made me sit back and realize how beautiful life is. I love my husband who always has a crazy idea up his sleve, my two perfect babies who don't even look like they are related, and our new life we are figuring out together. 

The Plague!!! (RSV)

So the babies and I caught the dreaded RSV despite all of my efforts to avoid it like The Plague! I have a hard time pronouncing what RSV really stands for so I have re-named it the Really Stupid Virus. Because... It is really stupid. 

I was quite proud of myself that my babies hadn't gotten sick yet, and they are already 6 months old, so when they started to get what I thought was a cold, I was just like, "meh, I guess it's about time." 2 days later little Wake started wheezing so we took him in to the Instacare. They stuck this long evil thing up his nose to get a mucus sample, meanwhile Wake thought he was dying and my heart was breaking. Within like 3 minutes it came back positive for RSV. We didn't bother testing Raylee or me for a result because.... We all share everything... Bath water, boobs, blankets,     kisses, slobber, toys, you get the idea.. 

My only experience with RSV is just what I have heard from horror stories in the news or from other people, so of course I though the next step was going to be my babies whisked away to the hospital to have breathing tubes and crap shoved everywhere. But no. The doctor was just like, "well there is nothing we can do for viruses so just keep their noses clear, you could also take them outside! It's such a nice day!"

I thought that was a bit chipper.. But he did give us a prescription to take them to the RSV clinic at the hospital incase their breathing got labored. 

Not going to lie, I was freaking out. What did labored breathing look like? Why didn't he think my babies would die like all of the other kids in the news? There has to be SOMETHING we can do! 

We all left the Instacare a bit frazzled and wondering what was going to happen next. Wake's wheezing was still freaking us out so we decided we should give the babies a blessing and take a visit to this RSV clinic in the hospital. 

Jordan and my dad gave the babies a blessing before we left to the hospital. (If you don't know what that is, it is basically a prayer combined with the power of the Prehistood administered to people to give them special blessings the Lord wants them to have and to provide peace and comfort.) They were blessed that they would be able to overcome their illness, so I immediately felt a little better about the situation, but still worried about what was next. 

We have been to the RSV clinic about four times since then and we are probably going to go again today.  They suction out the babies noses and throats and just keep things clear so they can breathe easily and make sure they don't get infections from all the nasty mucus. They have also provided us with a lot of peace and knowledge. Most of the time RSV is really not a big deal. It is usually bad for about 7 days with days 4 and 5 being the worst (we are on day 7), and then most babies and people emerge unscathed. 

I'm not sure we are out of the clouds yet, but it is sure looking like the babies are recovering well! We rented an electronic suctioning device (BBG -- Baby Bugger Grabber) to suck the babies noses several times a day. They HATE it but after it's over they feel much better. Also my mom came over to take care of me and the babies while Jordan was at work.  If people could be declared Angels... I would declare her one. 

I was looking over pictures we took during the week and it looks like the babies are having the time of their lives... Not true... I just have smiley babies :) 

These next two are the kids in their winter suites we had them in when we took them out for some fresh air :)

And of course Jordan didn't get sick AT ALL. He has been taking these fancy vitamins that apparently make you iron man. Maybe I shall start taking some now. 

We kept them in the high chairs a lot so they could be upright so they could breathe better. 

Just pray that we keep getting better and better!! 

That One Time I Was The Angel

So I have been wanting to write about this for a WHILE but at least I am finally getting to it now :) 

You don't have to reassure me that angels are walking among us. I know this to be true without a doubt! Sometimes, however, these angels are actually our family, friends, neighbors, or random strangers who Heavenly Father sends to to help us. These past months of my life since my babies have been born have been filled with these spiritual and physical angels. 

Well, thanks to an incident with my rug, I was used as the angel this time :) 

You see, it had snowed and Jordan came home from work. As he walked in the door he brought a trail of brown wet sludge with him... Unacceptable. I knew that I would definitely lose the battle to get him to take his shoes off so I happily accepted that I would have to purchase some rugs for my front and back doors. Win for a clean house and win for buying something new and cute for my house! 

My mom and I packed up my babies and a left-over Target giftcard from a baby present and went shopping for some rugs. I quickly fell in love with this rug. It was beautiful!! Buuuut it was mustard yellow, and I was afraid to decorate my house with that color.

Also it was too wide for my back door so I couldn't buy two of them. I just decided to buy two of these other rugs. 

They are cool and they would match, so I left my beautiful rug behind. 

When I got home and put the rugs down, I was let down. The rug I had settled for did not look good at my front door and I realized my mustard rug would look fabulous there. 

This is when it gets good (I know no one truly cares about my rug delema). When Jordan got home that night I informed him we were going back to Target to exchange the rug. We ate dinner, packed up the kids again and made our way back to my beautiful rug. 

We kind of attract attention when we go shopping with the babies.. First of all we have a huge limo stroller that basically has a flashing sign that says, "TWIN BABIES HERE" 

Also, Jordan INSISTS that he push the stroller. (I had to tell him to let me stand there for the picture above). He says he is just being a gentleman but we all know he just likes pushing it because he gets attention and it has wheels. But anyways people stare at the random guy pushing the stroller. 

Not more that 2 minutes of being in the store we were stopped by a tall, freckley guy who looked about our age who asked, "Do you have twins?" 

We are used to this question and we gave him our rehearsed response that, yep we do, and our somewhat pushed smiles and tried to keep walking. Before we could escape he eagerly said, "we are having twins too."

We stopped dead in our tracks and swarmed him and started the rapid fire of questions. Are they your first? How far along is your wife? Do you know what you are having? Etc... He politely answered and confirmed that they were their first kids and not very far along. As he started asking for information on our stroller, his wife walked over. She was equally tall and freckley and very sweet looking. I looked at her and just felt like I knew her. Jordan abruptly asked, "so do you know what your birth plan is?" 

I tried to give him a scolding look for asking a controversial question but he wouldn't look at me. The girl simply said that she did not want to have a c-section (the same answer I had given many people before I believed in myself to go through with a natural birth). I suddenly felt the urge to tell her that I had my twins  naturally and unmedicated. I don't really like bringing it up because I don't want to sound baggy and that is NOT why I did it. As I told her about it, I could see a sence of releif and longing in her eyes. "Really?" She said with hope in her voice. "Really." 

I looked at her straight in the eyes and said, "if that is something you want to do, you can do it! Don't let anyone tell you you can't."

Relief and hope ran across her face as I then went on to reassure her that it was the most beautiful thing I had experienced and told her about hypnobabies and to find a doctor who would support her. 

We wrapped up the conversation and it was at the point where social cues suggest we should walk away and keep shopping but no one moved. We were so bonded and connected! It didn't feel natural to just leave them! We knew exactly what they were going through and they wanted more information! There was nothing left to be said though so we eventually parted ways. 

I told Jordan I would have KILLED to have had that conversation when I was pregnant with the twins. I didn't know a single person who had their twins unmedicated and it was terrifying! I was so happy to have talked about it with this girl! Maybe it helped her as much as it would have helped me. 

Well we went to the rug isle and got my beloved rug! As we made our way to the customer service counter so I could exchange it I was feeling pretty good about things. When we got to the counter, a woman in her thirties was there with an older woman. They had two carts and two car seats and as I got closer I realized the thirty-something woman was waaaay pregnant and the older woman was her mother. "Are you having twins?!?" I excitedly assumed because of the two car seats and the HUGE belly (well it was..). She confirmed that she was and became really excited as she realized that I had twins too! The questions started all over again from me and Jordan. These were her first babies as well, and she was going in to have them in two days. Jordan realized that meant she wasn't going to have a natural birth so he thought up the next most awkward thing he could say... "Nursing has been the hardest part, are you going to breast feed them?" 

Again I tried to scold him with my eyes, but again he wouldn't look. To my suprise, the woman was eager to talk about it! She told us she desperately wanted to breast feed her babies but that is what she was the most nervous and anxious about. I jumped in to the conversation and reassured her that it was possible and that she could do it!! I also told her I almost gave up three times and it got very hard, but I kept going and it is getting easier. She looked at me, a little relived, and said, "Thank you. If you can do it, I can do it!" 

They finished up their transaction and went on their way and we exchanged the rugs :) I was so amazed that we just had another conversation that I would have killed to have with someone when I was pregnant. 

As we were on our way home I was happily replaying the nights events in my head. I got a little teary as I realized what had just happened. I don't think for one second that it was a coincidence that we were all at Target at the same time that night. Those women needed some encouragement and a vote of confidence that I could give to them (I know they needed it because I was in their shoes), and I was able to be reminded that I was doing a good job and I had made it so far. I am so humbled that Heavenly Father chose me to talk to those women that day and I really hope that I was able to say what they needed to hear! 

I love having my "angel rugs" at my doors now because I am reminded every time I leave my house that I might come in contact with someone who needs an angel that day. I hope that I am living my life well enough that Heavenly Father will choose to use me has his angel again :)